Fearless

Artist: Taylor Swift

Today was sad. Miss. P quit and she didn't say good-bye. That hard. Really hard actually. P's been a rock for me for a long time. She's feeds me, listens to me, gives me hugs - all things my mother usually doesn't. She's supportive and has filled my wardrobe with the cutest outfits. It hurts and its sad but - as long as she's okay - I'm sure its for the best. Not that P's being there would have kept me there but it would have made it a nicer place to work. Now...not so much. I LOVE a dozen of the people there but P is P and there is no replacement.

Then ofcourse there is D - Slackerboy is awfully harsh and I only went with it bc LonelyBoy on GG. I don't know what's going to happen there. Maybe it's over, maybe we'll have some fun, maybe we'll date. I don't know. I'm not worried about it though. To my GREAT surprise D showed me that not all guys are complete jerks. And he is an AMAZING kisser. Those two things will always stay with me and have changed me for the better.

J was shocked at how much calmer and less tense I am - it made her feel calmer and less tense.

I guess today is an official ending to my life as I knew it - or at least hopefully - New problems await but I definitely feel more prepared to deal with them so....

New Me, New Blog: Fearless

Less drama - more fun, fashion and God willing boys!

Kiss Me

Artist: Six Pence None the Richer

It's an Easter Miracle and the Apocalpse must be nearing because the impossible has happened! I kissed SlackerBoy and it was NO peck on the lips. IT WAS REALLY NICE!

When I gavbe SB my number I NEVER thought he'd use it. EVER! But he did. He called and asked if I wanted to go to the bar - Thank you The Hot One - and I said yes (of course!). He asked me where and I said he was the expert and he had to choose. He was going on a run and said he'd call me after.

For me a guy saying he'd call back typically means i'll never hear from him but I still called the posse in disbelief. Then he called back! after his run and asked if I decided where. I said I don't know. He said he was going to shower and we could both think about it. CEO suggested Ashley's and when he called when he got home I recommended it and he said okay and he'd call when he was leaving - which he did. I again was AMAZED that he actually called. Very unusal for me but I AIMed with SoLMioke and he said guys usually do called - I realize using my "father" and SoldierMan for yard sticks probably not accurate, a definite good thing. I also AIMed with The Hot One for advice - always the sweet one.

SB let me know he was leaving so I left and he called me even before I got here. Again the phone calls amaze me. Anyway, he was wearing his glasses and OMG!!!!!!! He looked hotter than usual which is NOT an easy task. We got a table - he wasn't feeling well from eating bad fish and then running so I ordered an apitizer just cause I didn't want to piss off the waitress.

Ashley's has 100 beers so SB chose one and thankfully they had a couple martini choices and I got a Pomegratite one that was delicious! I also tried his beer and he asked me to pick out one for him which I did. It was the first time I had beer so another first, I liked it more than I thought but I prefer the fancy drinks. Drinking his was a way for me to be flirty - per the Hot One's suggestion. I was surprised too when he drank my water later although he may have been drunk - it's hard to tell bc again one emotion.

I had been really nervous about conversation bc we've known each other 5 1/2 years and see each other a couple to most days a week. But it wasn't an issue. Conversation was easy.

I also got drunk for me "foggy" for most people. But definitely hazer than I ever had before. Definitely loose enough to not chicken out.

So the end of the night and I just knew I had to do it no matter what - no regrets. I told SB to stop and I grabbed him and kissed him. And he kissed me back. And it was REALLY good. Not what I thought it'd be like but REALLY good. Then an asshole knocked on the window and ruined the mood. We went to my car and talked for a couple more minutes. I wanted to kiss him again but I didn't want to push my luck so I wasn't going to try but he did. Awesomeness.

So what now? IDK and IDC. Big picture is I met my goal. And a VERY specific one. My first kiss was with SB and I like him and he's hot and I'm comfortable with him - it wasn't a random or familiar loser. i can now safely date whoever and I'm not a total loser.

Also very unexpectedly SB improved my perception of men.

Anyway, I'd LOVE to kiss him some more but I'm realistic - he may have just been drunk or drunk enough - again idk. I haven't thought about seeing him again Wed - The Hot One says dont do any preemptive contact. I'm honestly 100% okay with whatever. He's hot so it'll kinda suck but i could always take J's suggestion and pull him behind periodicals lol.

I'm not worried. I'm going to take the ever unusual for me position of wait and see. I'm content and perfectly happy with this being one great night for the records, should something more happen cool if not I'm good with that too.

My blog can finally take on a happy demeanor as I can stand but my mother and underemployedness after this!

Miracles Happen

Artist: Maya

I listened to the Hot One - he said ask Slakerboy on a date or get hammered - I couldn't do the date thing bc I had a strong feling that he'd say no and while I could deal with it but I just think it can't be easy to say no to someone so...

I wasn't actually going to do anything but i saw him and we both were complaining about being tired and I said I wish i had an energy drink and he said he was going to get one before work but didn't. I said if he gets one pick me up one.
I NEVER expected him to get me one. And it was like 3 hours later and he comes upstairs and brings me an AMP. He had told HorseGirl to bring it to me but she forgot so he brought it to me. Not only did he get it and bring it to me he bought my favorite brand which I talk about all the time but its not mainstream. He drinks RockStar and most drink Monster. None of this means anything on his part I'm sure but it made him really hot.

Anyway, i decided to take Matt's advice and went with the drinking and said you want to go to a bar, he said when tonight?, i said sure, he said can't tonight, so I said a different night, and he said yeah, i said great let me know when that is.

Then I went who gave me lots of bad advice that would have really entertained her like go and make out with him on the desk. She also suggested giving him my number which I thought was really bad idea but after a couple failed but unnoticed attempts I brought him my number and said call me when you want to go out to the bar, bowling or whatever. He said okay, not on the weekdays but on the weekends and that totally shocked me. Before we left work he asked what bars I've been to - answer none. I again was shocked that he mentioned it.

Oppose to the no window of possibility there appears to be an actual window that may open! WTH! Who knew!

Sober

Artist Pink

As traditionally happens a night of sleep leads to re-evaluation of life.

Verdict: I'm gonna be alone forever and I have to accept that. The reality is most people date during college and find it near impossible post-college. I'm 3 weeks from post college and it ain't gonna happen.

Partially my fault for not fighting to go somewhere else to school were the student population wasn't made up mostly of old men, married men, orthodox men and unredeemable losers but again my mother refused to let me go somewhere else so what was I suppose to do? I went on a date with a loser who asked me out so I wasn't turning down opportunities and I asked out about a half-dozen guys and nothing ever worked out.

And I don't put myself out there enough but I honestly don't know how. I mean people scare me. I've done my very best to rebel against my mother but the fact is she taught me and B to trust no one and go by no one and you can't afford to do anything so don't even try. Our entire life was spent in front of a television with limited contact to the outside world and no real life examples of how families or couples behave. It's only been since my Aunt Sharon died 2 years ago that I'm even allowed to talk with family members without getting in to trouble but I still get in trouble about it just not as much.

Big picture is I'm completely screwed and screwed up. Any hypothetical date I would get out on I don't know how to behave. I'm so tense and uncertain I'm sure I undoubtedly come off cold and uninterested. And ofcourse the big issue of a kiss. I mean people DO NOT understand the absolute CLUELESSNESS I suffer. I've never seen people kiss in real life, sure on the street probably but PDA isn't huge and more importantly its certainly not a learning tool. I don't even know the first steps or how many steps there are. Nothing!

Although since this all likely irrelevant I'm just gonna attempt to let it go. Move on and look at the more positive sides of my life like underemployment, fights with my mother, unsolicited advice from strangers and no prospects.

Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want

Artist: The Smiths

So I asked Slackerboy to lunch and I think I underplayed my hand and backed myself in to a corner. My big concern is him accidently thinking I want to date him - which I think most people who know me assume I'm interested in a relationship - and being scared off and generally avoiding me. Therefore, I went with a "I'm going out to lunch, want to come with" and he said "sure."

We went to Potbelly's and had a nice time. I was actually surprised at how comfortable it was since I'm never comfortable, not even to hang out with someone, especially for the first time, male or female. Anyway I was careful to avoid any topic that would even hint that I may be interested in him - for any reason. We talked about somethings that may not normally come up a work but generally not so much.

As a result I don't think he knows I'm interested in anything. As a girl I would be curious as to why a guy I've worked with for 5+ years never asked me out to lunch but I'm not sure he thought of that. As his name suggests his range of emotions are limited to 1 - therefore reading him is impossible. He could have had a great, neutral or horrible time and I would not/do not know.

One thing I learned is that he wants to hang out with people, outside of drinking in their basements. I casually mentioned I'm always up for hanging out but it attrached no attention. There are a couple reasons why: he didn't hear me (again I wanted to avoid any possible hints of ulterior motive and/or he's a guy and maybe doesn't listen) or because I always say I'm boring and never do anything fun he's under the impression I'm no fun to hang out with - which may be true but I'm kinda confident that I'd be fun to make-out with because I'm dealing with a lot of pent up energy. Ofcourse there is also the easier reason of he's not in to me and doesn't want to hang out at all. But that is certainly more limiting.

Bottomline is now what? If ask him about again he'll think I want to date him which is not the signal I'm looking to send. I'm not sure what the signal I'm looking to send is. The Hot One/the "Love" Guru suggested asking him to drinks and generally trying to find out if he's sexually attracted to me (he also offered to ask him directly which I thought was very sweet of him but declined on the merit of it being veyr high school - not that any of this isn't). Ofcourse SlackerBoy has decided to stop drinking until graduation so getting him drunk is a little difficult.

I asked some of my guy friends to rate me - pathetic yes but helpful - and I received solid 7s. My one friend who is attractive and popular - therefore in a relationship - said if you include my personality a 9 (because he likes bossy women) and that he'd totally do me. I feel very confident with a 7 that is average and I would say certainly attractive enough to just make out with a person.

I honestly can't believe how difficult this is. In our ever degenerate society - a high school boy told me today that PS2 is too hard for some kinds because it has more buttoms than the Wii and requires more concentration! It is now too hard for people to sit on their ass and push buttons! Back to the point. I'm an average looking girl who just wants to make out with someone no strings attached and its basically impossible. And going through my phone and friends on fb Danny is the only remaining option since everyone else is in a relationship and the final 2 options are so horrible even I'm not that desperate.

I have a dreadful fear that even Drew's 25 year old character will be kissed before me.

Hot n Cold

Artist: Kate Perry

I'm reaching a breaking point here. And I'm very close to becoming unequivically desperate - thankfully I haven't quite reached that point yet.

Nevertheless, I've developed a "crush" on someone I would never "date" but desperately want to make out with - and no he isn't an Orthodox Muslim so hypothetically its a possibility; however my making out with him is still highly unlikely unless I just do it one day - which would normally never happen but I'm definitely in dire need to makeout with someone so I can't rule it out completely.

Although I'm grateful that I at least have maintained some standard and he's hypothetically smart, nice, fun and definitely hot. The funny thing is I've never given him any thought until recently but he's definitely not bad on eyes. You can tell its late because I'm using definitely way too many times.

I went to and visited H and Baby P and C. Although the kiddies weren't up for visiting it was great to see H&M as usual. Here's the latest picture of me and baby P. She's such a cutie!

This Ones for the Girl

Artist: Martina McBride

Here's a picture of me and my Mom, Great-Aunt Margaret, and Aunt Mikki at honors night. Althogh I'd get no bling if I walked or Summa Cum Laude I did get 2 plaques and was chosen Honor Scholar in both the History and Political Science departments so that was pretty nice. I'm the only person the Associate Dean has ever seen get 2 awards and its nice for the ego when you walk up and everyone gets one award and I got 2

I also got the chance to emulate my favorite lady - Stockard Channing wahoo!