As traditionally happens a night of sleep leads to re-evaluation of life.
Verdict: I'm gonna be alone forever and I have to accept that. The reality is most people date during college and find it near impossible post-college. I'm 3 weeks from post college and it ain't gonna happen.
Partially my fault for not fighting to go somewhere else to school were the student population wasn't made up mostly of old men, married men, orthodox men and unredeemable losers but again my mother refused to let me go somewhere else so what was I suppose to do? I went on a date with a loser who asked me out so I wasn't turning down opportunities and I asked out about a half-dozen guys and nothing ever worked out.
And I don't put myself out there enough but I honestly don't know how. I mean people scare me. I've done my very best to rebel against my mother but the fact is she taught me and B to trust no one and go by no one and you can't afford to do anything so don't even try. Our entire life was spent in front of a television with limited contact to the outside world and no real life examples of how families or couples behave. It's only been since my Aunt Sharon died 2 years ago that I'm even allowed to talk with family members without getting in to trouble but I still get in trouble about it just not as much.
Big picture is I'm completely screwed and screwed up. Any hypothetical date I would get out on I don't know how to behave. I'm so tense and uncertain I'm sure I undoubtedly come off cold and uninterested. And ofcourse the big issue of a kiss. I mean people DO NOT understand the absolute CLUELESSNESS I suffer. I've never seen people kiss in real life, sure on the street probably but PDA isn't huge and more importantly its certainly not a learning tool. I don't even know the first steps or how many steps there are. Nothing!
Although since this all likely irrelevant I'm just gonna attempt to let it go. Move on and look at the more positive sides of my life like underemployment, fights with my mother, unsolicited advice from strangers and no prospects.
Bumps in the Flight
5 months ago