Friday, February 27, 2009
So I've given up trying to be optimistic/cheerful because my life just sucks.
My Mom LITERALLY won't talk to me. People don't appreicate this but I mean LITERALLY! I usuallydon't even get a good morning. She is not going to let me live with her after graduation and I have to find a job that pays enough for rent.
I can't even get my Gram to let me stay with her for 2 days or even a night and she lives 1 mile away and lives in a 4 bedroom house by herself.
I may as well have no father at all because I never talk with him, don't have his number and he has never helped me in any way whatsoever.
I can't even turn to my sister because she's just not that type of person. I try but she screams to my Mom that I'm bothering her.
I don't really have friends to turn to, my 2 former BFs aren't talking to me so I can't even talk with them about it or go out to escape. My other BF lives in NYC and we just don't talk that often. Penelope never answers her phone. I love the people at work and surely complain enough but there is only so much they can do. And H is great but she's family too so I don't want to make things weird for her plus she has 2 babies and doesn't need my drama nor does she have time to hang out much.
Mr. H is always supportive but I can only harass him so much and I rarely get to see him.
I ofcourse have no bf or much potential and my life in bubble with no men leaves me with 0 experience or comfortablity which makes it all but impossible to meet someone. No one really understands that just like my mother does NOT talk to me. I know NOTHING about guys. I don't know how to be in a relationship bc I've never even witnesses one to learn from. My wholefamily is basically single women who don't date.
In sum - I'm lonely hell and it isn't looking optimistic.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
"These blog are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight more bloggers who must choose eight more bloggers and include this cleverly written text in the body of their award."
I'll be honest and say I'm not exactly sure how this works and whether these people have the award already but I'll pass it on to:
Second - President Obama's unofficial state of the union. I thought it was great. It really spoke to all the issues I really care about namely EDUCATION! It's so nice to hear about education as a priority since it hasn't been in such a long time. His call to action of course reminded me of JFK's and really makes me want to do CityYear whatever the cost. That's my big thing right now - what to do with my life. I just don't know.
I also went shopping for me which I shouldn't have but I did. I got a cute Taylor Swift dress and a really cute pink purse that has a LOVE label on it. Since I love pink and alway dot my i's with hearts and the "O" is a heart I thought it was appropriate.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
So my day was great. I mean perfect in fact. Which considering I have been feeling very down and stressed lately is quite a wonderful change.
I got an A- on Physics. MR. H's email! I learned that CitiYear may be an affordable option and my Mom talked with me today so it means it may even be practical. I thought my internship wasn't going to be good today and even though I wasn't able to do the work I wanted to I talked with one of the girls there and she said she'd call me if they go out this weekend. Then I went to Happy Hour with my some of my other favorite people - Princess Freckles, J and Ms. Ross!
I met J's hubby who is very nice. And they invited their friend - M. Since it was a group and I was rather nervous we didn't talk one on one too much but one thing that really stood out that I really like is that he likes Detroit, which I love! Anyway, we're going to go on a double date with J but I'm not interested in jinxing anything so I'll leave it at that.
Meeting a new guy is awesome but I really loved hanging out with the girls! My gf track record is as bad as my bf and it was soooooooo nice to hang out with PF and J .... and Ms. R ;)
It's funny because I somehow feel like high school and I got to hang out at the cool table with the popular kids. And particularly happy because it can be weird with co-workers and determining if you're work friends or friend friends and after tonight I feel like we're the latter.
So today was an unusually good day, the best I've had in ages!
It looks like I'm making up for lost time in the blogworld.
I got an email response from my favorite person in the world today - Mr. H. He was my high school teacher and retired the year I had him but I've been going to him with every crisis in my life since then and he is the best person I know.
It doesn't matter what the problem is school, boys, family, whatever I always email him and he always cheers me up. And when he's in MI he usually comes to see me at work which leaves me grinning for days.
I'm NOT in love with him but I love him more than anyone else in the world. With a mother that hates me, no dad and no other family members to rely on he has been my saving grace more times than I can count. He's the father/grandfather I wish that I had. I always feel terribly guilty bothering him - especially since he's retired but he never seems to mind.
Anyways lets hope my day continues in this direction.
Well I've been so busy with school I haven't blogged in quite some time. Thankfully Physics went well and I pulled out an A- on the exam.
And today's Happy Hour day and I'm very excited! I can't wait to hang out with Princess Freckles, J and Ms. Ross, plus I'll meet J's husband and mystery guy too!
Tuesday Congressman McCotter (R-MI) came to campus (and it was a stressful fiasco that involved me hijacking a professor's class so he could speak to it but all in all I survived) and I was pleasantly surprised.
I'm a proud Democrat. I'm a moderate ideologically but I'm a strong party faithful, so I've never voted for McCotter and never really knew much about him. Personally, he's not a very friendly guy. Every politician I have met - Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, Governor Granholm, Senators Levin and Stabenow and Congressman Dingell - are incredibly friendly and interested in people. Hillary and Dingell win by a long shot because no matter the crowd they will want to ask you questions.
The second time I was volunteering a VIP event and was able to get a professional photo taken with her and I was the last person before she had to get on a plane so again there was a hurry. Nevertheless, she was very friendly and we took the picture when I was walking away she noticed I had my nametag on so she told me to come back and we'd take another picture! I LOVE Secretary Clinton!
On with McCotter.... the arrangement ended up being a townhall and he was gracious in answering questions but he never asked anyone's name or what they were studying even when we had a brief meet and greet with the Political Science Club (my org) and the College Republicans (who I work with). I don't hold that against him though, I just thought it was interesting.
Politically I mostly disagree with him but not entirely and I can pretty much respect his views. He's a Cold Warrior for sure - it was funny because he was talking about Fascist and Communist threats. I strongly disagree with his position on education because that is my important issue and he is not interested at all.
I did agree or at least strongly respect his position on the economy. He's oppose to the stimulus and I'm not but he wasn't bitter about it. He was nice to Obama and said that he'd wait to make judgements until later but he laid it into W - which surprised me. He does not believe in the free market and said business will look out for its self and become anarchy if the government doesn't regulate it which I strongly agree with. He's a good republican he doesn't believe in big government he believes in necessary government which I respect and agree with although we have a different interpretation of necessary. Again I was surprised that he said nice things about Governor Granholm who is not very popular around here.
Finally, what I agreed with/respected the most was his love for Michigan and Detroit in particular. He knows that a strong Detroit is essential for a strong Michigan. So I can't say I'd ever vote for him but I do respect him and don't mind that he's my Congressional representative.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Somehow I ended up having a psuedo date on V-Day with the person I'd want to most.
My Orthodox Muslim non-boyfriend ex called me.
The quick history is I met him in at a leadership program last year and really liked him. He asked for my number and called me few times and we would talk for hours. And then we'd hang out for hours. We even went out on a double (non) date, bookstore, Starbucks, and a party. And would just sit in my car and talk till 4 in the morning. It was perfect because he's smart, funny, sexy and I'm 100% comfortable around him.
Of course I'm not lucky enough to find the perfect guy and end up with a Orthodox Muslim who doesn't touch the opposite sex. Not great since I'm super attracted to him. And he also can't "date." A difficult concept for me to understand since we talk every day, hang out and go out. Something clicked in his head appearly that he can't "date" after a month or so and he "broke up" with me.
I was really upset and knowing the "rules" I tried to work something out. We couldn't really. We went on a great "date" downtown this summer. And he calls me occassionally and we talk for hours. I saw him for the first time in a couple months a few weeks ago and we talked everyday for about a week. I asked him out for V-Day just so I wouldn't be alone. Again I know the "rules" and made an offer he should have been able to accept. He rejected it in his polite, comical and apoligetic way.
(Note: I proposition him every few months because I happen to enjoy trying to seduce him (in a PG/13 manner since we've accomedated the "rules" a couple times) so my asking him out wasn't a pathetic V-day thing/attempt to "date" him ).
Anyway we hadn't spoke since then and I was - am always - surprised to see his name in my caller id. He wishes me a Happy Valentine's Day (the only person that day except possibly J) and we talk for 2 hours. And about everything ,as usually. I made him listen to Taylor Swift and John Mayer, he made me listen to a song from My Fair Lady and some classical music. He asked about my love life - which I swear is his favorite topic and one that I would like to avoid unless he wants to make out with me.
I was the one to end the conversation. Generally I think its a good idea to be the one to cut it off - leave him wanting more ;) and I really had to get my hair done (the club smell was killing me and it take 4hrs to do
Once I was off the phone I realized some important things.
1. He called because he felt guilty about not going out and decided to have a "safe" phone date
2. He still likes me and doesn't trust himself alone with me
3. We really did "date." As I've never dated I've never been sure of what it entails but the truth is whether he can recognize it or not, as a Catholic and American I can - we dated.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Damn. I'm hooked. I really do like Private Practice. I was hoping it was a fluke but alas it's the real thing. This is how bad (good) it was - I made no snyde remarks during Grey's and for a minute or two I even liked McDummy. shivers in disgust
Well today started off pretty well.
I made beautiful but really horribly tasting peach scones yesterday. But not detered I decided to back a florentine-eque pizza this morning and it was really good. I bought a pizza crust, sauteed red onions, tomatoes and spinach in some light oil and put it on top of Paul Newman's tomato& basil sauce and topped it with mozzerella cheese. Delicious.
And I got to work there was no electricity - big storm last night. Princess Freckles and I and our co-workers spent much of the next three hours looking out the window watching people come to the door to then turn back to the parking lot. PF also tasted the scone and can attest to how bad it was :/
Anyway I left work early and was semi-productive before going to gym, class and volunteering. I'm pretty sure I got a bad grade on my paper but am too afraid to look.
Finally, I talked with my Granny - which is almost never a good idea and today was no exception. First the sad news is I learned that my dad's wife mother who is such a nice lady and always very sweet to me and B has early onset demensia. I don't talk with my Dad ever so I don't see her very much but will have to try to get over the bridge for a visit.
Second, I got to hear about all the classes my little siblings are in and what my Dad has bought and done for and with them. I'm glad they get to have a good Dad but at the same time I'm upset that he has never done anything for me or B and owes my mom a fortune in back child support. He's provided no emotional or finanical support for us but can do things for them, I jsut don't understand how anyone can just ignore their kids and not take responsibility i guess.
Anyway tomorrow's the big single's mingle so I've post an update Sat.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
It's rather late in the day for this but HAPPY JOHN DINGELL day!
Monday, February 9, 2009
So I'm suffering major anxiety and frustration.
I decided to speak with one of my professors about my book and publishing some articles (see if the idea is pratical). He thinks its a great idea and that I should go to graduate school. So all day I've been thinking about grad school.
I'd have to wait 18 months before I could even start since I didn't apply. Didn't take the GRE. And the added and continuous problem of not having a language proficiency thus excluding me from most programs.
My whole college career was based off getting in to Teach for America. I got rejected in October. Then a miricle happened and I got an internship that would lead to a job but the program was suspended. The result is I have to plan for the future and have no where to start and am behind.
I've been applying to jobs online but the fact is I'm not sure how much I really really want to do them. I know I can do them and I know I would be good at it but I don't know if it will make me happy. I was raised to only care and think about money and these jobs would provide me with that. I could buy things - matching undercloths for example - and go on vacation - Charleston, NYC and St. Petersburg. I could take classes, socialize maybe meet someone. My work might not be fun but maybe I could have a good life.
My dream option is to work for a politician or at the White House but I'm not sure how practical the first is and the second is a dream. Neither would provide me money but excitement and satisfaction. I think sometimes that working at a non-profit or think tank would too. I like to work with people and research.
A goal in my life is to get a PhD. I promised my Aunt Sharon I would get one. But I'm so tired of school. I don't know if I could survive 4-6 more years. especially since I'll be a year behind - which means I don't even know if I could get in. I'm still not sure where I could get in because of the language issue. But I don't want to make the same mistake twice in regards to college so if I go I want it to be somewhere I like - MSU or somewhere on the East coast. New England, NY, DC or SC would be great. I may be able to have a life and be in school but I don't know if I could get in.
There is my other problem. I go to the school I do because I was afraid to go somewhere big. I thought I was too dumb, I didn't realize that I was only an idiot for not applying because I could have got scholarships to alot of schools and I would have done fine and probably have been happy too. I'm scared to go to grad school. I get all As but I don't think I'm that smart. I don't think I'm that great of a writer either. But I don't know if its the lack of self-confidence and fear that have plauged me or that I know the truth and other people or all crazy.
I don't want to make another mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life but I don't know what the mistake is.
I'm not about to have my dream life - a husband, home and family - I can't even get a date. Part of me just accepts this fact. The other part isn't sure. Is getting a career a good way to find a job and get that or is going to school and maybe meeting someone there. Or more importantly will school just be a final nail in the coffin as I'll be with mostly younger people and miss out on a chance to potentially get a life? I don't know if I want the nail yet.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Good things and bad things.
Good is that I signed up for a class at the local Rec. I've really wanted to take a class but didn't think I'd have the time and would have to wait until I graduated but I found a cheap, half hour abs and buns workout class and signed up.
Good and bad. My friend K sent me a sweet V-day card. She lives in NYC and I don't see her much so I thought I'd send her a little care package. She loves Tinkerbell so I got her a purse and then put other items in there that spelt CANDY. I'll post the sheet later. It's really cute. Anyway my Mom was mad and thought it was stupid and a waste of money and an arguement insued. And I realized - once I got to the postoffice - that I don't have her apt # so I'll have to send it tomorrow morning.
Bad there was a Political Science Club social at Buffalo Wild Wings and only two other people showed up and I had horrible food so I wasted my money.
Oh well, Housewives and B&S is on tonight and hopefully they will be good.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I wish I had the time and money to cook delicious meals like everyone else but as a broke college student it just doesn't happen. Therefore, I live a little too much on tv dinners. Here's a new one I tried today and it's delicious. I love the panini at Panera and this is similar and a quarter of the price. My only complaint is that normally with Hot Pockets you buy the box and the two sandwiches are individually packaged these are not. So you eat the whole thing which is wonderful but not as healthy. Below is my other favorite and healthier (as far as frozen foods go).
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
My first time being tagged! Thank you Princess Freckles!
Step 1: Respond and Rework.Answer the questions on your own blog. Replace one question that you don't like with a question of your own invention. Then add one more question of your own invention.
Step 2: Tag eight other un-tagged people!
1. Make a list of things you can see without getting up. A mess and Daniel Craig.
2. Favorite Football Team. I don't like football but for my Aunt I go with Michigan State Spartans
3. What are you wearing now? black cocktail dress from the former Steve & Barry's SJP Bitten line and a purple sweater from the sweetest lady ever.
4. What's the last thing you read/are currently reading? Great Gatsby was the last book I read for fun. Crime & Punishment I started and didn't get to finish because of textbook reading. And I'm waiting on a book to come so I can start pre-research for my book.
5. Who was the last person you hugged? the sweet lady who gave me this sweater.
6. What's you current obsession/addiction? Blogging, House, Daniel Craig, and having fun
7. When you were little what did you want to be when you grew up? Everything. A teacher, a journalist, an actor, a singer (I'm a horrible singer), an Olympian, a wife and a mom.
8. What was the last thing you bought? PJ's for the Single's mingle
9. What are you listening to right now? Taylor Swift Fearless
10. What is your favorite weather and why? Fall, it's not so hot will frizz and there is no snow.
11. What is your most challenging goal right now? Finding a job and a man.
12. Say something to the person who tagged you. Hey Princess Freckles thanks for everything. I'm so glad we work together because you make that place so much fun.
13. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished, anywhere in the world, where would it be? NYC
14. Favorite vacation spot? Saint Petersburg Russia
15. If you could have a car totally paid for and the environment and gas wasn't an issue what would it be? Astin Martin
16. Name one thing you just can't resist no matter how bad it is for you? Everything
17. What was the first tape or CD that you bought for yourself? I don't even know. Nsync maybe.
18. Describe your perfect day. A day in my own house, with the perfect outfit and the perfect man just relaxing.
19. Who is the most famous person you know? An important person in Congress.
20. What would you do if you won the Lottery? Travel
The added question:
21. Who do you admire?
Since I'm new I don't have 8 people to tag but I'll tag:
Prep in the Big Apple
Park Avenue Princess
Monday, February 2, 2009
My friend Nat is coming with me as long as she can get off work and I'm so glad because she's super outgoing and will force me to meet people.
Ofcourse the big question is what to wear!
Some of my favorite shows were on tonight and on all of them I like the bad boys - albiet in VERY different ways. Regardless, the "bad" boys always appeal to me. Every "nice" boy I find boring or stupid. And of course the "bad" boy is NEVER any good. House, Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill are however so on with the shows....
"...it involves House, Foreman and 13 so it's either dumb, dangerous or tradgic..." - Taub
That was the quote of the show and I'm pleased that neither was true. Today was good. Amazingly, Dr. House wasn't bad today, he was nice actually nice!!! Cuddy on the other hand not so nice and let him have it. Not that I blame her since he is usually a complete ass. Unfortunately, because they are on at the same time I only get to see chunks of Gossip Girl. But I LOVE the parts I can see. Fashion and gossip two of my favorite things. But the best thing on GG is the Chuck Bass! I don't know what it is about him but he's just so..... Chuck. Dan Scott is the devil I mean this man has literally done every evil thing imaginable and yet somehow he's like my favorite character on the show or at least I miss him when he's not on. I discuss this with HorseGirl everytime we talk about OTH and I can't decide if its the actor or amazing writing that makes this evil-jerk-murderer redeemable. After today I'm leaning towards the actor because he was too cute with Jamie.
Surprisingly, James van Der Beek was also cute today. I love that he is on OTH. I think it's awesome. I'm not a specific fan and I rarely liked Dawson but Chad Michael Murray got his start on DC and both were the teen soap for their "generation" so it's fun.
Rounding out my tv blog entry I have to confess that I watched Baywatch last night. Growing up it was one of my favorite shows. Bri and I would pretend to be the different characters. I was excited for the 2002 tv movie. Most people think it's crazy - I don't disagree; however the show - at least season 3 - is not inappropriate or anything. Just really, really, REALLY dumb. It's totally after-school special, pathetic montages and really bad acting.
I miss the Roosevelts. Researching and writing my thesis last semester was fun.
So I've decied to start working on my book. I've always planned to write another book and this time I want to get it published. What I enjoyed most about my research was the fact that it hasn't been well researched. There are only a couple of books about the alignment of black Americans to the Democratic party during the Roosevelt era and barely any credit is given to FDR. I don't exactly have a ton of time to work on it now but I can do little things. I have ideas in my head about what I'd like to do and I'm sure there will be changes but one thing I'm pretty sure about is writing a narrative and not a scholarly book. So now my blog will also be a chronicle for my book adventure.
And hopefully in five years I can have it finished and have it published before the greatest legacy of the Roosevelt adminstration leaves office.