Don't Let Me Get Me

Artst: Pink

So I'm suffering major anxiety and frustration.

I decided to speak with one of my professors about my book and publishing some articles (see if the idea is pratical). He thinks its a great idea and that I should go to graduate school. So all day I've been thinking about grad school.

I'd have to wait 18 months before I could even start since I didn't apply. Didn't take the GRE. And the added and continuous problem of not having a language proficiency thus excluding me from most programs.

My whole college career was based off getting in to Teach for America. I got rejected in October. Then a miricle happened and I got an internship that would lead to a job but the program was suspended. The result is I have to plan for the future and have no where to start and am behind.

I've been applying to jobs online but the fact is I'm not sure how much I really really want to do them. I know I can do them and I know I would be good at it but I don't know if it will make me happy. I was raised to only care and think about money and these jobs would provide me with that. I could buy things - matching undercloths for example - and go on vacation - Charleston, NYC and St. Petersburg. I could take classes, socialize maybe meet someone. My work might not be fun but maybe I could have a good life.

My dream option is to work for a politician or at the White House but I'm not sure how practical the first is and the second is a dream. Neither would provide me money but excitement and satisfaction. I think sometimes that working at a non-profit or think tank would too. I like to work with people and research.

A goal in my life is to get a PhD. I promised my Aunt Sharon I would get one. But I'm so tired of school. I don't know if I could survive 4-6 more years. especially since I'll be a year behind - which means I don't even know if I could get in. I'm still not sure where I could get in because of the language issue. But I don't want to make the same mistake twice in regards to college so if I go I want it to be somewhere I like - MSU or somewhere on the East coast. New England, NY, DC or SC would be great. I may be able to have a life and be in school but I don't know if I could get in.

There is my other problem. I go to the school I do because I was afraid to go somewhere big. I thought I was too dumb, I didn't realize that I was only an idiot for not applying because I could have got scholarships to alot of schools and I would have done fine and probably have been happy too. I'm scared to go to grad school. I get all As but I don't think I'm that smart. I don't think I'm that great of a writer either. But I don't know if its the lack of self-confidence and fear that have plauged me or that I know the truth and other people or all crazy.

I don't want to make another mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life but I don't know what the mistake is.

I'm not about to have my dream life - a husband, home and family - I can't even get a date. Part of me just accepts this fact. The other part isn't sure. Is getting a career a good way to find a job and get that or is going to school and maybe meeting someone there. Or more importantly will school just be a final nail in the coffin as I'll be with mostly younger people and miss out on a chance to potentially get a life? I don't know if I want the nail yet.